Tech Support

[jcolucci]

my wife forwarded this to me this morning. funny. thought I'd share.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as: NFL 5.0, MLB 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, 'Desperate'

********
Dear Desperate',

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved
me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt
3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note
that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and
Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of
all your system resources.)

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking
3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

 

[BillyL]

 

[tarheel0910]

 

[Raising Heel]

Seen it before, but always hilarious.

Somebody needs to write one for the dudes.

 

[JuleZ '02 HEEL]

Somebody needs to write one for the dudes.

That would be sexist.



Besides, there's only so many ways to say "Boot error on Sex 2.1."

 

[TarHeelNation11]

Perfect. Outstanding.

 

[UNC71-00]

Seen it before, but always hilarious.

Somebody needs to write one for the dudes.

The Perfect Day For Her
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed – freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents – expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, amusing personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 25 lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk – says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot shower – alone

10:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms



The Perfect Day For Him
6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked 19 year old co-ed who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to August National (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Emily Ratajkowski (bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news – Justin Beiber dead from overdose

7:30 Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 4 octave, 22-second fart that forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

 

[Raising Heel]

The Perfect Day For Her
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed – freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents – expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, amusing personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 25 lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk – says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot shower – alone

10:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms



The Perfect Day For Him
6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked 19 year old co-ed who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to August National (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Emily Ratajkowski (bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news – Justin Beiber dead from overdose

7:30 Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 4 octave, 22-second fart that forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

I regret that Rivals will only let me favorite this once.

 

[TarHeelNation11]

The Perfect Day For Him
6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked 19 year old co-ed who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to August National (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Emily Ratajkowski (bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news – Justin Beiber dead from overdose

7:30 Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 4 octave, 22-second fart that forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

I'm tired and dehydrated just reading that!!

 

[HookUNC75]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs, etc...
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
.................................................. .................................................. .....................

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo -woo
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the entire time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.