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Raising Heel

Hall of Famer
Aug 31, 2008
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A van down by the river
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.


4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.


8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the"John" and renamed it the"Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?


10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
 
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I was gonna seize the day but i decided to go to taco bell instead

Not even God Knows wtf the eagles are up to

When life gets u down just remember there are people smarter, prettier, and happier than u.

They say u r more likely to die in a plane crash than to enjoy a flight in a plane that doesnt crash

We lost an hour on intl womens day, cause whats a better way to observe it than to be an hour late everwhere u go?
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