I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
But at least I didn't contract anything.
But at least I didn't contract anything.
And now, terrible jokes
- Thread starter Raising Heel
- Start date
A midget goes to buy something at the dollar store and pays with pennies. The cashier counts it and it's only 99 cents. The cashier says to the midget sorry, you're a little short.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender refuses to serve him. The mushroom says, "Come on, I'm a fungi."
Too late, both jokes already deleted, but you needed to include the first part to appreciate the second. No joking.
it's a terrible joke thread. they're all below standard.
Its sad that mexicans are so opposed to the wall. But in the end-
They'll get over it
They'll get over it
A prospector walks into a bar in the Yukon and shouts I'm looking for the roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon. Bartender replies, well you're in luck, take the stairs and she is in the first room on the right. Prospector thanks the bartender, throws down a gold nugget and ask the bartender for two cold bottles of beers. After the prospector grabs his beers he climbs the stairs and burst through the first door on the right and shouts I'm looking for the roughest toughest whore in the Yukon. Immediately the woman on the bed jumps onto the floor, bends over and grabs her ankles. The prospector asked, how'd you know that is my favorite position. The woman replies, I didn't I just thought you may want to open your beers first.
So I went to check on @Raising Heel since we haven't seen him in a while. No big deal, he's just been on an extended Pokemon hunt.
Anyway I had to get gas on the way home and stopped at a Sheetz. I went inside the store to get a Crystal Pepsi and a Triple Meat Stack Sandwich. There were two police officers looking at this lady smoking while pumping gas. She looked vaguely like @chick_bleeds_carolina_blue but I wasn't close enough to be sure. I'm like she can't be serious smoking at the pump SMDH. And the police right there too?
So I go on inside and while I was paying I hear someone screaming. I look outside and that lady's arm was on fire!
She was freaking out, tossing and waving her arm around...just going crazy!
I go outside to be nosey and the cops had put her on the ground. They were putting the fire out with an extinguisher. Then as I'm heading back over to the car I see them handcuffing her. I'm like what in the world is really going on?! So being the concerned citizen that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting her for; already figuring that catching her arm on fire was punishment enough.
The cop looked me dead in the eye and said, "For waving a fire arm."
Anyway I had to get gas on the way home and stopped at a Sheetz. I went inside the store to get a Crystal Pepsi and a Triple Meat Stack Sandwich. There were two police officers looking at this lady smoking while pumping gas. She looked vaguely like @chick_bleeds_carolina_blue but I wasn't close enough to be sure. I'm like she can't be serious smoking at the pump SMDH. And the police right there too?
So I go on inside and while I was paying I hear someone screaming. I look outside and that lady's arm was on fire!
She was freaking out, tossing and waving her arm around...just going crazy!
I go outside to be nosey and the cops had put her on the ground. They were putting the fire out with an extinguisher. Then as I'm heading back over to the car I see them handcuffing her. I'm like what in the world is really going on?! So being the concerned citizen that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting her for; already figuring that catching her arm on fire was punishment enough.
The cop looked me dead in the eye and said, "For waving a fire arm."
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In ancient times the Chinese would light ducks on fire and release them to fly at their enemies.
This was the first use of fire quackers in warfare.
This was the first use of fire quackers in warfare.
A sailor awakes one morning at anchor to find a gorilla sitting in his spreaders. Not knowing what to do, he puts a PAN-PAN out on channel 16. Moments later comes a response:
“Gorilla Removal Service on 16, can we have your LAT/LON please?”
He gives his location, and within moments a bright orange 30' RIB with twin outboards roars into the anchorage – carefully slowing as it approaches, so as not to upset the simian in the rig. The sailor steps cautiously out of the companionway to tie the rib alongside. The gorilla watches.
After a quick introduction, and the painful “Yep, that's a gorilla,” the Gorilla Removal Technician (GRT) begins handing things up to the sailor from the RIB. First comes a 10 foot (3m) graphite pole. Next is a 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, followed by an enormous set of handcuffs. Finally, the GRT hands up a bright orange crate with 'FRAGILE' and 'CAUTION' printed over every side, and climbs aboard himself.
The GRT opens the crate, and out steps a chihuahua. The small dog circles the crate twice, sits down, and stares up at the gorilla.
“OK, so here's the plan:” says the GRT. “I will climb up your mast, and poke at the ape with the pole. When he falls from the mast, this dog is highly trained to fearlessly go right for his groin. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, we clap on the handcuffs, and away we go!”
“Wow,” replies the sailor. “you must do this a lot!” Then he looks at the shotgun. “So what's this for?”
“Well, I need you to hold that. If I fall off of the mast before the gorilla, I need you to shoot that dog."
“Gorilla Removal Service on 16, can we have your LAT/LON please?”
He gives his location, and within moments a bright orange 30' RIB with twin outboards roars into the anchorage – carefully slowing as it approaches, so as not to upset the simian in the rig. The sailor steps cautiously out of the companionway to tie the rib alongside. The gorilla watches.
After a quick introduction, and the painful “Yep, that's a gorilla,” the Gorilla Removal Technician (GRT) begins handing things up to the sailor from the RIB. First comes a 10 foot (3m) graphite pole. Next is a 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, followed by an enormous set of handcuffs. Finally, the GRT hands up a bright orange crate with 'FRAGILE' and 'CAUTION' printed over every side, and climbs aboard himself.
The GRT opens the crate, and out steps a chihuahua. The small dog circles the crate twice, sits down, and stares up at the gorilla.
“OK, so here's the plan:” says the GRT. “I will climb up your mast, and poke at the ape with the pole. When he falls from the mast, this dog is highly trained to fearlessly go right for his groin. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, we clap on the handcuffs, and away we go!”
“Wow,” replies the sailor. “you must do this a lot!” Then he looks at the shotgun. “So what's this for?”
“Well, I need you to hold that. If I fall off of the mast before the gorilla, I need you to shoot that dog."
A pastor was writing a sermon about sex, but he was a very shy man, especially when it came to taboo topics. While the sermon was intended to tell his congregation about how sex is important to a healthy marriage, he just couldn't bring himself to actually write the word "sex". Instead, he just decided to use the letter "S" in his written notes.
The pastor's wife came in and saw him working. When she asked him what the "S" in his sermon notes stood for, the pastor nervously blurted out "SAILING, It's about sailing!"
The next Sunday, the wife unfortunately had to visit her sick mother, so she missed the pastor's sermon. The pastor started his sermon, and was pretty nervous, but as he preached, he got more and more comfortable about the topic of sex. His congregation loved the sermon and thought that he did a wonderful job teaching of the important of sex in a marriage.
The next day, the wife ran into some of people of the congregation. They told her what a wonderful sermon her husband had performed the day before.
"I'm glad the sermon was nice," said the pastor's wife. "But you know, he's not nearly as good at it as he thinks he is."
Surprised silence.
"He loves it, but I can't stand it," she continued. "Everything gets so wet, and if it's at all rough I vomit."
The pastor's wife came in and saw him working. When she asked him what the "S" in his sermon notes stood for, the pastor nervously blurted out "SAILING, It's about sailing!"
The next Sunday, the wife unfortunately had to visit her sick mother, so she missed the pastor's sermon. The pastor started his sermon, and was pretty nervous, but as he preached, he got more and more comfortable about the topic of sex. His congregation loved the sermon and thought that he did a wonderful job teaching of the important of sex in a marriage.
The next day, the wife ran into some of people of the congregation. They told her what a wonderful sermon her husband had performed the day before.
"I'm glad the sermon was nice," said the pastor's wife. "But you know, he's not nearly as good at it as he thinks he is."
Surprised silence.
"He loves it, but I can't stand it," she continued. "Everything gets so wet, and if it's at all rough I vomit."
There was a man and a woman that had been married for 40 years and the wife had had enough and said I want a divorce! The husband said I will do anything let's go talk to a marriage councilor.
She agrees and off they go.....
The councilor says what's the issue and the wife says "all this worthless POS does now is picks his nose and and when we have sex he won't ever let me get on top anymore!"
The husband says "I'm so sorry but that is my daddies fault"
The wife says "how can that be his fault he had been dead for 15 years"
The husband said "well before he died on his death bed he pulled me down close and whispered in my ear"
"I'm not going to be here anymore to look out for you like I have for years, so keep your nose clean and don't screw up"
She agrees and off they go.....
The councilor says what's the issue and the wife says "all this worthless POS does now is picks his nose and and when we have sex he won't ever let me get on top anymore!"
The husband says "I'm so sorry but that is my daddies fault"
The wife says "how can that be his fault he had been dead for 15 years"
The husband said "well before he died on his death bed he pulled me down close and whispered in my ear"
"I'm not going to be here anymore to look out for you like I have for years, so keep your nose clean and don't screw up"
Five days before Christmas, Santa was having a horrible day. And by horrible, I mean his wife was sick with the flu, 23 elves called in sick, and nothing was getting done, so they were really behind schedule.
*Knock-Knock,* Santa heard, so he went to go open the door. There was an Angel carrying a christmas tree. "Where would you like me to put this?" asked the angel.
And that is why the Angel is put on top of the Christmas tree.
*Knock-Knock,* Santa heard, so he went to go open the door. There was an Angel carrying a christmas tree. "Where would you like me to put this?" asked the angel.
And that is why the Angel is put on top of the Christmas tree.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.
Icy dead people.
A local dry cleaner was in the back of his business cleaning some shirts when he sees Monica Lewinsky walk to the counter upfront.
He waves. Monica then goes on to explain what she needs. The dry cleaner, being in the back w the loud machines, could not understand what she was saying so he politely yells out "Come again?"
To which Monica replys "No, this time it's ketchup."
He waves. Monica then goes on to explain what she needs. The dry cleaner, being in the back w the loud machines, could not understand what she was saying so he politely yells out "Come again?"
To which Monica replys "No, this time it's ketchup."
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What was the last thing that went through the bug's mind when he hit the windshield?
His ass
His ass
Your little brother accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble pieces. His next poop could spell disaster.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
Linoleum blown apart.
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