Strum, I admire your ideals and I wish the world worked the way you'd like to believe it can...but it just doesn't.
I will tell you this and then I will leave this mess...unless I'm dragged back in.
I hope, for your sake and the sake of those you love, that you never find yourself in a situation where it comes down to kill or be killed. Not because I fear for your safety but because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God instilled in us all two instincts that we cannot overcome; the ingrained need to worship Him (however that may manifest itself), and the overwhelming basic instinct of self-survival.
You may honestly believe what you write when you say you would let someone kill you before you take another life, but I am telling you it's next to impossible to do. It is simply not in us to allow ourselves to be slaughtered when there is even the hint of a possibility of survival. God did not create us in His image to be sheep and I think your actions when faced with life or death would destroy your mind's image of who you are and what you are capable of.
I have seen men offer themselves as sacrifice to ensure the safety of others, but that is a far different thing than simply allowing themselves to be killed for no other reason. We will willingly die for our loved ones. We will die for ideals IF we believe our death will somehow lend itself to a greater good. But every cell in our bodies scream in defiance when faced with certain death unless we defend ourselves. It is something we cannot overcome because it is inherent.
Warriors are trained to rely on muscle memory map and INSTINCT because they will keep you alive. Muscle memory map allows you to do your job when your brain is too overwhelmed to issue commands consciously. Instinct prevails when faced with situations we are not prepared to deal with. Instinct comes directly from the Creator. Yes, God is love. But as I said before, the two most basic loves we have...the two God built into every fiber of our being, are to love Him and love our own life. You cannot escape either.
I have done things that keep me up at night...but not because I feel guilt. I did what I had to do to protect those around me and to protect myself and I find no shame or remorse in that. I teach young men how to do those same things every day and I couldn't do that if I felt it were wrong or unnecessary. What I struggle with are the intense anxiety and emotions those situations evoked. Sometimes what ever is left of those feelings are so strong I find myself hurled back there and I have to remind myself that I'm OK...that it's over.
War is indeed straight out of hell. But just because we don't like it doesn't make it any less real. Neither does the fact that in a perfect world it wouldn't exist. It is not a perfect world and we need walls to protect us from those that wish us harm. I have seen them and I know what they are capable of. Every day I thank God there are men that are willing to be that wall between us. It is their willingness to sacrifice themselves that allows you to sit on high in all your moral superiority and judge them.
