And now, terrible jokes
- Thread starter Raising Heel
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What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-Hung
Well-Hung
I wonder if the receptionist at a sperm bank ever said, "Thank you for coming"?
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! "
" Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"
This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed. "
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! "
" Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"
This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed. "
I laughed out loud, but that's just wrong.
Long time "Our Gang, The Little Rascals" star Buckwheat, Has converted to Islam. He wishes to now be referred to as Ka-Reem of Wheat.
Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”
Where do you find uncaring people?
Indifferent places.
Indifferent places.
What do you get when an oppressed black man males a sexist remark towards a female?
Liberal infighting over which is worse- the sexist remark, or the racism because the black man is oppressed.
Liberal infighting over which is worse- the sexist remark, or the racism because the black man is oppressed.
1 death or 1000 deaths.... it's still bad. Bad. Bad.
The governor of PR looks soooooo uncomfortable.
What did the almond say to the macadamia before they fought?
Cashew ousside howbow dah?
What is a skinny tree's favorite rapper?
Slim Shady
Haha you'll never get that click back.
Haha you'll never get that click back.
If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.
Wanna hear a joke about pizza?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
A women goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The doctor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
The doctor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Why is Darth Vader's marriage such an up and down affair?
He's married to Ella Vader.
He's married to Ella Vader.
If you have cheese but no crackers what are you?
Crackalackin
One day a guy goes for a walk in the park and notices a charming woman waving at him.
As he approaches she says hi, and he still can't place her.
He’s flattered but he can’t remember where he knows her from.
So he says to her, “Do you know me?”
And she replies, “Yes, you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
As he approaches she says hi, and he still can't place her.
He’s flattered but he can’t remember where he knows her from.
So he says to her, “Do you know me?”
And she replies, “Yes, you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
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Why don't skeletons get mad?
Because nothing can get under their skin.
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A man fell into an industrial upholstery machine.
But he's fully recovered.
But he's fully recovered.
What do you call a concert that only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent (Feat. Nickelback)
Did you hear why Dracula broke up with his girlfriend?
She wasn't his blood type.
She wasn't his blood type.
Bubba and Jim Bob are hanging out at a bar.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
I ask my wife what she would do if we won the lottery she said she would take half & leave my butt & I said great we won $12. here is your half now get your butt out.
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