What do you call a lot of rabbits running away?
A receding hare line.
And now, terrible jokes
- Thread starter Raising Heel
- Start date
When I was a boy, one year my birthday present was an empty box.
My parents told me it was a GI Joe deserter.
My parents told me it was a GI Joe deserter.
When I was a boy, I told Santa I wanted something to wear and something to play with for Christmas. I got a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.
What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
Don't wok away from me!
One of the seven dwarfs has been arrested, for having sex with a giraffe, apparently the other six put him up to it.
How can you tell the difference between a an alligator and a crocodile?
An alligator will see you later and a crocodile will see after a while.
An alligator will see you later and a crocodile will see after a while.
Over heard at the psychiatrist's office "So, tell me again why you resent your parents, Lesby Anne..."
Without even playing his first career game, LiAngelo Ball already leads the nation in steals.
If you get a divorced in West Va. are you still brother & sister?
I suppose with everything going on in the news these days, this joke could be considered in bad taste, however, the title of the thread is "Terrible Jokes" so......
Sexual Harassment
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy..
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank, the dwarf."
Sexual Harassment
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy..
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank, the dwarf."
Hook, l can't believe how insensitive you are!
Don't you know they're called "little people"?
Not to brag but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered “outstanding”.
One day, a baby was born without arms, legs, or a torso. He was just a head.
His family did their best to raise him normally, but could tell something was wrong.
The little boy, you see, wanted only to be a grape.
Each night, he prayed fervently that God would make him a grape.
Years passed, but his wish was not granted. He continued to pray nightly, though.
Then, on the morning of his twelfth birthday, he awoke, looked in the mirror, and was shocked to find he was now a grape!
He was so excited, he bounced down the stairs, rolled across the floor, through the dog door, and out the front door.
He hopped around in the yard and then out into the street, where he was crushed and killed by a passing car.
His family did their best to raise him normally, but could tell something was wrong.
The little boy, you see, wanted only to be a grape.
Each night, he prayed fervently that God would make him a grape.
Years passed, but his wish was not granted. He continued to pray nightly, though.
Then, on the morning of his twelfth birthday, he awoke, looked in the mirror, and was shocked to find he was now a grape!
He was so excited, he bounced down the stairs, rolled across the floor, through the dog door, and out the front door.
He hopped around in the yard and then out into the street, where he was crushed and killed by a passing car.
It's best to quit while you're a head.
A classic from Rodney Dangerfield.
"My doctor wanted a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample, so I gave him my underwear and left"
"My doctor wanted a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample, so I gave him my underwear and left"
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job, To find the gosh darn thing.
It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave.
For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job, To find the gosh darn thing.
It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave.
For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!
The Ginger Bread Man went to the doctor because of a sore knee.
.
.
doctor told him to ice it
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?
They wear snowcaps
Q what did the doe deer say when she came out of the woods?
A. I'll,never do that for five bucks again.
A. I'll,never do that for five bucks again.
Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?
Because all the other letters were not E.
Because all the other letters were not E.
Y'all hear about that new rawhide book for dogs?
It's a Chews Your Own Adventure.
#stolenfromtwitter
It's a Chews Your Own Adventure.
#stolenfromtwitter
A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each orders a beer. Three flies land, one in each beer. The Frenchman shoves his glass away in disgust. The German flicks the fly out of his glass with disregard and goes on drinking his beer. The Irishman snatches up the fly from his glass and squeezes it yelling, "Spit it out you little bastard!"
Jewish Cab Driver
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman!
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
Men are born from between a women's legs and spend rest of their life to get back between them.
Why?
Because there's no place like home.
Why?
Because there's no place like home.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip
to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So,
how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are
old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where
are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get
there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying
to
see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip
of
yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber
asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of
TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to
first
class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old
stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was great!
They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest
hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard
tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally
meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private
room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes
later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?
to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So,
how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are
old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where
are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get
there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying
to
see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip
of
yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber
asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of
TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to
first
class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old
stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was great!
They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest
hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard
tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally
meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private
room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes
later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
I've been reading this fascinating book about anti-gravity, I can't seem to put it down.
How many ants do you need to fill an apartment?
Ten.
Ten ants.
Ten.
Ten ants.
Uh, pretty sure you can fit way more than ten ants in an apartment. Duh.
Fun fact, the same kids that are now eating Tide Pods are the same ones that will be voting in the next presidential election.
