Why did the cow return to the marijuana patch?
The pot called the cattle back.
And now, terrible jokes
- Thread starter Raising Heel
- Start date
For Jim's birthday his wife decided to treat him by taking him to the strip club. When they arrived the doorman said "Hi Jim, good to see you", Jim explained they played league basketball together. When they went to the bar the bartender said, "Hi Jim, the usual?" Jim explained they were on the same dart league team. A stripper soon approached and asked, "The special again Jim?" Jim's wife dragged him out to a cab. As they entered the cabbie stated, "Damn Jim, you picked an ugly one tonight."
Jim's funeral is next week.
Jim's funeral is next week.
At least this generation is washing its own mouth out with soap.
A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table.
"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"
She throws a drink in his face.
"The men I please are none of your damn business!"
"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"
She throws a drink in his face.
"The men I please are none of your damn business!"
A old wise man once told me
If you want to succeed in life... CLEAR YOUR MIND... BE INVENTIVE....THINK BIG & OUTSIDE THE BOX.So one day, in the cold & rain, I sat on a bench outside one of those big box stores, I thought & thought for over 2 1/2 hours....but nothing came to me.
If you want to succeed in life... CLEAR YOUR MIND... BE INVENTIVE....THINK BIG & OUTSIDE THE BOX.So one day, in the cold & rain, I sat on a bench outside one of those big box stores, I thought & thought for over 2 1/2 hours....but nothing came to me.
Two psychics pass each other in the street. One says to the other, "You're doing fine. How am I?"
A biology student was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would shed light on the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
He filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing him to jello. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at him.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would shed light on the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
He filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing him to jello. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at him.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”
Proof that there are no women in heaven
“And he opened the seventh seal and there was silence in heaven for half an hour” -rev 8:1
“And he opened the seventh seal and there was silence in heaven for half an hour” -rev 8:1
It was @BillyL's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering packages through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
"He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.”
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
"He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.”
If the bald eagle is the bird of freedom,
And the dove is the bird of love.
What is the bird of true love?
And the dove is the bird of love.
What is the bird of true love?
The swallow
My girlfriend at the time bought it for me. That tells you all you need to know about her.
ETA: Apparently some people found it offensive when I wore it to places where kids were likely to be. Not sure why.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked his problem out with a pencil.
It was a No. 2 pencil.
The Yadkin Valley General Store had been sold and was running smoothly in the capable hands of @UNC71-00, but @prlyles' health had taken a downhill turn. His family began to grow more and more concerned about him taking care of himself.
After months of diligent research, his son and daughter took him to a nursing home and left him, hoping he would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a delicious breakfast with no sign of instant grits or pre-grated cheese, and set him in a chair at a window overlooking a beautiful flower garden.
The old man seemed peaceful, but after a while he slowly started to tilt sideways in his chair. Two attractive and attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straighten him up.
Again he seemed peaceful, but after a while he slowly started to tilt over to his other side. The two nurses rushed back and once more brought him back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the son and daughter stopped back by to see how their father was adjusting to his new home.
“So Dad, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” @prlyles replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”
After months of diligent research, his son and daughter took him to a nursing home and left him, hoping he would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a delicious breakfast with no sign of instant grits or pre-grated cheese, and set him in a chair at a window overlooking a beautiful flower garden.
The old man seemed peaceful, but after a while he slowly started to tilt sideways in his chair. Two attractive and attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straighten him up.
Again he seemed peaceful, but after a while he slowly started to tilt over to his other side. The two nurses rushed back and once more brought him back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the son and daughter stopped back by to see how their father was adjusting to his new home.
“So Dad, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” @prlyles replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”
Some Jackwagon threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me........
Luckily my wounds were only Super Fish Oil.
Luckily my wounds were only Super Fish Oil.
@heelmanwilm had once been a famous actor but had fallen on hard times. He could no longer remember his lines, and door after door began to close in front of him.
Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part in the performance, and it has only one line. You will walk onto the stage carrying a red rose, you will hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then you will say the line, ‘Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress.'”
@heelmanwilm is getting excited. All day long before the show he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally it's showtime.
The curtain goes up, @heelmanwilm walks onto the stage, and with great passion, he performs the gesture and delivers the line: “Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress.”
The theatre erupts, the audience screams with laughter … and the director flies into a rage!
“You bloody idiot!” he cries. “You have ruined me!”
@heelmanwilm, quite bewildered, asks, “What happened, did I forget my line?”
“No!” the director screams. “You forgot the rose!”
Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part in the performance, and it has only one line. You will walk onto the stage carrying a red rose, you will hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then you will say the line, ‘Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress.'”
@heelmanwilm is getting excited. All day long before the show he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally it's showtime.
The curtain goes up, @heelmanwilm walks onto the stage, and with great passion, he performs the gesture and delivers the line: “Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress.”
The theatre erupts, the audience screams with laughter … and the director flies into a rage!
“You bloody idiot!” he cries. “You have ruined me!”
@heelmanwilm, quite bewildered, asks, “What happened, did I forget my line?”
“No!” the director screams. “You forgot the rose!”
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Sounds like a @heelz2345 part to me.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Sorry that was last year. It's in Lincoln, NE this year. I can get you tickets though, just email me at chiefjesusbocephus@hung.com
DO NOT CLICK ON LINK!!!!!!!!!!!
@Louigi had just opened the door of his Mercedes when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene of accident, he complained bitterly about the damage to his expensive Mercedes.
“Officer, look what he has done to my car!” he shouted.
“You're so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid Mercedes that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Dammit," replied @Louigi, finally noticing the blood spurting from his left shoulder where his arm had once been.
“Where’s my Rolex?”
“Officer, look what he has done to my car!” he shouted.
“You're so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid Mercedes that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Dammit," replied @Louigi, finally noticing the blood spurting from his left shoulder where his arm had once been.
“Where’s my Rolex?”
What is ironic about this is that my wife is an officer and last week she drove my Mercedes into my truck crushing the passenger rear door. Truck is fine....
I bet you like those handcuffs!
