Well its national tell a joke day

[heelmanwilm]

salesman knocks on lady's door
Selling magic mirrors. She gives it a try "magic mirror make my breasts twice as big" bam! Her breasts grow twice as big. Sold!

Hubby comes home, wife says "hey i bought a magic mirror!" "You stupid #%*%!" He says. "I cant believe i married someone so ignorant!" "Well she says it did THIS!l and she opens her gown. "Oh hell yea" he says "i may fall in love with u after all!" "So u wanna try?" She asks. "Hell yea i wanna big dick so i can get all the ladies!" "Very well" she says. "Magic mirror make his dick touch the floor!" His legs fall off.

 

[Raising Heel]

What's the difference between an NC State grad and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

 

[Raising Heel]

What's the difference between a dook fan and a catfish?

One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.

 

[gunslingerdick]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance."

 

[gunslingerdick]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?


Marry it.

 

[gunslingerdick]

A man walks into a bar and sees a miniature man sitting on a table playing a miniature piano. He's fascinated and watches the man play for a few minutes, then asks the bartender, "How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?" The bartender replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish." The man then asked, "And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?" The bartender replied, "Well, not exactly."

 

[tarheel0910]

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

 

[gunslingerdick]

Chick walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. "Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"
"No," chick replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

 

[gunslingerdick]

Why did Ron Artest leave the basketball game early?


He wanted to beat the crowd.

 

[BillyL]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[gunslingerdick]

What's the best pick up line ever?


"Does this smell like chloroform?"

 

[tarheel0910]

There were two little crabs who met in Florida every year. One year when they arrived, one little crab was shivering terribly. The other crab asked why and he said, "I got a ride here on a man's moustache. He drove so fast, I was freezing."
"Well," the other crab said, "why don't you hide up a lady's skirt next year. Then you won't be as cold."
The little crab said, "Hey, that isn't a bad idea."
A year later, the two crabs met at the same place, and the one little crab was shivering very badly again. The other crab asked if he had taken his advice and he said, "Yeah, I went and hid up a lady's skirt, but when I woke up in the morning I was on that guy's moustache again!"

 

[gunslingerdick]

Two men were fishing when a funeral procession rolled by the river bank. One of the men stands up and takes off his hat. The other man says, "That was a nice gesture." The man replied, "Well, we were married 25 years."

 

[Archer2]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

[tarheel0910]

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

 

[Raising Heel]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Duh dum tssshhh.

 

[Raising Heel]

A teenager called his friend and asked, "What're you doing right now?"

His friend replied, "Probably failing my driving test."

 

[Raising Heel]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

By searching for Fresh Prints.



(I am so, so sorry.)

 

[Raising Heel]

I once worked at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near it.

 

[Raising Heel]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

 

[JuleZ '02 HEEL]

If you know of a better fish pun than this one, let minnow.

 

[Raising Heel]

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

 

[Raising Heel]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Archer2]

There's an old Jewish man walking on the beach and he comes across a magic lantern. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want." The old Jewish man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis and the Palestinians." The genie looks at the map and says, "I cannot do that. Anything else?" And so the Jewish man says, "I would like my wife to perform oral sex on me one more time." The genie says, "Let me see that map again."

 

[JuleZ '02 HEEL]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because it has a silent pee.

 

[Raising Heel]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers softly, "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your... side-view... mirror."

 

[heelz2345]

A man sees a sign outside a restaurant that says "Cheeseburger: $2, Handjob: $5." He walks in and sees a beautiful lady behind the counter. He says to her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She seductively says "Why yes, handsome, I am." He says "Well, wash your damn hands and make me a cheeseburger."

 

[JuleZ '02 HEEL]

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

 

[heelz2345]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[Archer2]

Two blonds were driving from Florida to California. About halfway there they stopped for the night and as they got out of their car, one blond looked up at a beautiful full moon and said: "Which do you think is farther away, the moon or California?" To which the other blond replied: "Doh, can you see California from here?"

 

[JuleZ '02 HEEL]

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

 

[JuleZ '02 HEEL]

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

 

[Raising Heel]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

 

[Raising Heel]

This one's for @gunslingerdick:

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

 

[Raising Heel]

Hahaha, when tagging him in the previous poast I discovered there is a @gunslingerdick jr.

 

[tarheel0910]

Hahaha, when tagging him in the previous poast I discovered there is a @gunslingerdick jr.

He created it just so he could invite the DI posters to the OOTB board.

Well, I've been banned fellas. Mark cried enough and the mods finally caved. Now that I won't be poasting here any longer, I just wanted to thank you guys for all the hospitality y'all showed. If y'all ever want to get at me, stop by OOTB some time.

 

[Archer2]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "Don't get too excited, she means 666-3629."

 

[Archer2]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[Raising Heel]

He created it just so he could invite the DI posters to the OOTB board.

That's no laughing matter.

 

[Raising Heel]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "Don't get too excited, she means 666-3629."