Know why the lifeguard couldn’t save the hippie?
cause he was too far out dude
And now, terrible jokes
- Thread starter Raising Heel
- Start date
Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not a good time, I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Leah says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Izzy, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works really well."
"But this won't take long," Leah says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Izzy, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works really well."
Why didn't the two fours want any dinner?
They already eight.
this should keep @prlyles busy for awhile.
But speaking of busy, did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Not to nitpick, but for it to be "acute joke", it should only be 89 degrees.
Don’t be that guy.
I first repeated that joke more years ago than I can remember, and I promise you there are still people walking around wondering what the hell the punch line is. Because I damn sure wasn't going to explain it.
the old Indian was telling a stranger about the best friend he ever had, a white gold miner named Shortcake. Seems Shortcake struck it rich on land that the Indian lived on, and instead of cashing in and moving on, felt obligated to the Indian and his squaw to take care of them.
And that's what he did, for forty years the Indian and his squaw never wanted for anything, and neither did Shortcake....if you know what I mean. Then the Indian and Shortcake were getting on in years, so the squaw happily did all the work. They were a happy family and then one day, they found Shortcake dead.
'Well, I guess that's the end of that story', said the stranger.'
'Not quite', said the Indian.
'Oh? What else then?', asked the stranger.
The Indian looked at the stranger the way one looks at the hopelessly stupid and said.....
And that's what he did, for forty years the Indian and his squaw never wanted for anything, and neither did Shortcake....if you know what I mean. Then the Indian and Shortcake were getting on in years, so the squaw happily did all the work. They were a happy family and then one day, they found Shortcake dead.
'Well, I guess that's the end of that story', said the stranger.'
'Not quite', said the Indian.
'Oh? What else then?', asked the stranger.
The Indian looked at the stranger the way one looks at the hopelessly stupid and said.....
'squaw bury Shortcake'.
the traveling salesman knocked on the door of the farmhouse, and while he was waiting for someone to come to the door, he noticed a pig staring at him from the other side of the porch. He also noticed that the pig was missing an entire hind quarter and that a wooden peg had been duct taped in its place.
Presently the old farmer answered the door and before he could ask what the salesman wanted, the salesman asked him to explain the pig's wooden leg. "Oh that's Oscar" he said, "the best pig a man ever had, a real keeper".
"OK", said the salesman, "but what about the wooden leg?"
"Well", said the farmer, "one time our youngest fell into the pond and ol' Oscar jumped in and pulled him out and saved him from drowning".
"Yeah OK" said the salesman, "but that doesn't explain the wooden leg."
The farmer sighed and said "Then there was the time I turned the tractor over on myself and I was trapped under it. Oscar saw it and went and got the neighbor to come over and get the tractor off of me. I would have died if it hadn't been for Oscar."
The salesman was trying to hide his impatience and said "I don't think you understand. I just want to know about the wooden leg".
The farmer was also losing patience and with a slightly raised voice said "There was the time that the house caught on fire in the middle of the night and Oscar squealed and squealed until we woke up and put out the fire before the house burned down. He saved the entire family that night!".
The salesman had had enough. He grabbed the farmer by his shirt and said "Look old man, I'm tired of this. I understand that the pig is a hero to you. What I want to know is why that pig has a wooden leg in place of its hindquarters".
The farmer was just as angry and frustrated as the salesman, and putting his face right up to the salesman's said "Are you just stupid, son? You tell me....
....If you had a pig like that, would you eat it all at once?"
Presently the old farmer answered the door and before he could ask what the salesman wanted, the salesman asked him to explain the pig's wooden leg. "Oh that's Oscar" he said, "the best pig a man ever had, a real keeper".
"OK", said the salesman, "but what about the wooden leg?"
"Well", said the farmer, "one time our youngest fell into the pond and ol' Oscar jumped in and pulled him out and saved him from drowning".
"Yeah OK" said the salesman, "but that doesn't explain the wooden leg."
The farmer sighed and said "Then there was the time I turned the tractor over on myself and I was trapped under it. Oscar saw it and went and got the neighbor to come over and get the tractor off of me. I would have died if it hadn't been for Oscar."
The salesman was trying to hide his impatience and said "I don't think you understand. I just want to know about the wooden leg".
The farmer was also losing patience and with a slightly raised voice said "There was the time that the house caught on fire in the middle of the night and Oscar squealed and squealed until we woke up and put out the fire before the house burned down. He saved the entire family that night!".
The salesman had had enough. He grabbed the farmer by his shirt and said "Look old man, I'm tired of this. I understand that the pig is a hero to you. What I want to know is why that pig has a wooden leg in place of its hindquarters".
The farmer was just as angry and frustrated as the salesman, and putting his face right up to the salesman's said "Are you just stupid, son? You tell me....
....If you had a pig like that, would you eat it all at once?"
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odd name for a wooden leg. Once I shot an elephant while in my pajamas. How that elephant got in my pajamas I'll never know. (Groucho)
My date asked me to do 69. I said I’d rather do salty pirate. She said okay so I jizzed in one of her eyes and kicked her in the shin
Did you know Bruce Lee had a vegan brother?
Brock Lee
If there are five ants in your house and you see five more you have tenants.
Did you know a gallon of water is heavier than a gallon of butane?
That's right. Butane is a lighter fluid.
My dicks been in the Guinness book of world recordsthe librarian keeps making me take it out though
the spoiler doesn't show up on my computer until I try to reply. It's actually funnier without the spoiler.😁
Did you hear about the dyslexic duke fan who pulled out all the stops for duke to win?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you call Mexican woman with no legs?
Cuntswaylow
Cuntswaylow
What's the difference between a newspaper and a television?
Ever try to swat a fly with a television?
Ever try to swat a fly with a television?
What did Will Smith leave on Chris Rock’s face?
Fresh prints.
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