And now, terrible jokes
- Thread starter Raising Heel
- Start date
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
How do you weigh a chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Come on, you guys telling me that didn't tickle your funny bone?What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A shoulder blade.
I didn't find it humerous
Why don't mummies take time off?
They don't like to unwind.
What does it say that I had to check first to make sure @JuleZ '02 HEEL hadn't already poasted this?What kind of songs do planets sing?
Neptunes!
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from having a baby, apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
I accidentally opened a package today addressed to @ticket2ride04 . It was a rooster mask and some lollipops, evidently he's going to Halloween as a cock sucker again.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died......there will be no coffin at his funeral.
How many Dims does it take to change a light bulb?
We'll never know; they'll just sit in the dark and blame it on Trump
President Trump was leaving the White House headed to his limo when a would be assassin jumps out and points a gun at him. One of the newest members of the secret service shouts "Mickey Mouse!" The assassin drops his gun and is captured. A fellow agent asked the agent why he shouted Mickey Mouse. The new agent responded, "I got nervous, I meant to shout 'Donald duck!"
A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He asks,"What are you doing?" She replies,"I read that I can make $400 doing for other men what I do for you for free, as a prostitute." The man starts packing his suitcase and she asks, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I want to see just how in the hell you survive on $800 per year."
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How do you wash a pod of dolphins?
With multi-porpoise cleaner.
What kind of stories do big boats tell little boats?
Ferry tales.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Housewife explaining to to paramedics how her husband died in bed.
‘He came and went at the same time’
‘He came and went at the same time’
My best friend went that way last January! He always told me he wanted to die that way, and he did at 59 years old.
A woman tried to cut off her husbands penis but missed and stabbed him in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
An old retired military man starts a job as a greeter at WalMart. The first day he shows up 30 minutes late. The manager hoping it's a fluke blows it off.
The next day he show up 45 minutes late and though the manager is a bit upset, he doesn't say anything.
The third day he is again 30 minutes late and now the manager can not let it pass.
He pulls the old man aside and says: You know you have been late 3 days in a row. I understood that military members were always on time. What would your co-workers say if showed up in the military?"
"They would say, good morning General, can I get you some coffee?"
The next day he show up 45 minutes late and though the manager is a bit upset, he doesn't say anything.
The third day he is again 30 minutes late and now the manager can not let it pass.
He pulls the old man aside and says: You know you have been late 3 days in a row. I understood that military members were always on time. What would your co-workers say if showed up in the military?"
"They would say, good morning General, can I get you some coffee?"
Well I'm staring down the barrel of a 45! Swimming through the ashes of another life!!
