And now, terrible jokes
- Thread starter Raising Heel
- Start date
Confucius say
"It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that
you realize there is always a way to solve problems without
using violence".
"It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that
you realize there is always a way to solve problems without
using violence".
@ohio tarheels was raising three daughters. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, @ohio tarheels would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young boy knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. @ohio tarheels answered the door and the guy said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad came and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Gary felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young boy arrived and Gary opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck, I am he–…” and Boom! @ohio tarheels shot him.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. @ohio tarheels answered the door and the guy said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad came and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Gary felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young boy arrived and Gary opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck, I am he–…” and Boom! @ohio tarheels shot him.
@grillheel's wife was driving back to the airport from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the trip, Mrs. @grillheel tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Mrs. @grillheel.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Mrs. @grillheel looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
Resuming the trip, Mrs. @grillheel tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Mrs. @grillheel.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Mrs. @grillheel looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
@heelz2345 finally convinced his dad @grillheel it was time to look into getting hearing aids. Every time he tried to tell his dad about a new movie or TV show he had to repeat everything twice.
@grillheel agreed but he didn’t want to spend a lot of money, so he visited a store with a wide range of options.
“How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.
“Anything from three to three thousand dollars.”
@grillheel asked, “Can I see the three-dollar model?”
The salesman put the device around @grillheel's neck and said, “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket.”
@grillheel asked, “How does it work?”
“For three bucks, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see you wearing it, they’ll talk louder.”
@grillheel agreed but he didn’t want to spend a lot of money, so he visited a store with a wide range of options.
“How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.
“Anything from three to three thousand dollars.”
@grillheel asked, “Can I see the three-dollar model?”
The salesman put the device around @grillheel's neck and said, “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket.”
@grillheel asked, “How does it work?”
“For three bucks, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see you wearing it, they’ll talk louder.”
A few days before @toophly1124 was due to leave for his first semester at UNC, his father sat him down for a quiet chat.
“Son,” he said, “in college you’re going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the pharmacist.”
“Dad, you didn’t need to. I’ve already got condoms.”
“With a face like yours, you won’t be needing condoms, son. I bought you some anti-depressants.”
“Son,” he said, “in college you’re going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the pharmacist.”
“Dad, you didn’t need to. I’ve already got condoms.”
“With a face like yours, you won’t be needing condoms, son. I bought you some anti-depressants.”
I've been on a diet for 3 weeks and lost 21 days
Biggest joke of all - Lebron is better than Jordan
Good for you, MW . .
Sometimes a little encouragement can add to the motivation and desire . . . keep it going.
. . and btw, this is from someone who dropped 110 lbs. in 2017 . .
What kind of shoes does a frog wear?
...Open toad....
...Open toad....
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for the coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Last Sunday morning the back doors to an old country church blowed open and the devil came strutting in. The whole congregation except for one gentleman began scrambling out the front doors. The devil approached the older gentleman and exclaimed, "Why aren't you running, aren't you scared of me?" "Hell no!" the gentleman said. "Why not" said the devil. The old man said, "Hell, I've been married to your sister for 38 years."
5yo told two jokes at school last week for Tell a Joke Day.
Q: What kind of bagel can fly?
A: A plane bagel.
***
Q: Why didn't the crab like to share?
A: He was shellfish.
***
Her delivery is on point.
She said everybody else told knock-knock jokes. Pfft. Amateurs.
Q: What kind of bagel can fly?
A: A plane bagel.
***
Q: Why didn't the crab like to share?
A: He was shellfish.
***
Her delivery is on point.
She said everybody else told knock-knock jokes. Pfft. Amateurs.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?'’ she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ... "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?”
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have gotten out today."
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?'’ she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ... "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?”
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have gotten out today."
Mitch Hedberg was awesome. RIP
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
I was delighted to learn my wife was a virgin when we met. I always had a test to determine prospective’s wives’ status. I would drop my pants point at my penis and ask them if they’ve ever seen one before. Always they had. Until my wife came along. She said “i have NEVER seen anything like that”. So i married her. On our wedding night i put some porn on to help “educate her”. I heard her comment on a guys penis. I said “wait i thought u had never seen one!” “Oh i’ve seen plenty” she said. “They’re black and 12 inches long”.
